there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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