i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You dont lie about slip and slides
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
