Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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