I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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