she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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