So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
