I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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