Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
