You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
