oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Randomize
