Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
