dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
