I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
