You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
if only i could text you this smell
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
