I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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