I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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