i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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