I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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