Dude my mom stole all your condoms
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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