i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
