Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
