My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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