when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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