and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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