I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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