got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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