i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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