Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Screwed.edu
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
