At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
