He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's never too late to be topless.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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