his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
