Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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