dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
