our cab driver is having phone sex.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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