Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
