Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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