I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
