It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
