Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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