Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We need a shit load of segways right now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
