I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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