Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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