apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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