My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
