shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
