why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
