I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
