There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
