there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
