I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
