I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
